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the start of me blogging properly

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Iv decided to start again, and start writing regularly again. This time I wont be deleting my posts as I go along and will try my hardest to post regularly.

So what’s changed….

Please welcome to the world Sonny Sunshine.. Born January 10th a good 5 weeks early, I am now mum to two beautiful boys.

I Won’t lie, it’s hard. Harder more moreso as the little sunshibe has the dreaded colic… I often spend hours listening to him cry, rocking him, bouncing him, singing or chatting to him.. Nothing helps. Aside from this slight misfortune he is perfect and I feel very lucky and thankfully that he is here and healthy.

Obviously he turned my life upside downcompletely. Not only do I have a newborn and am still recovering painfully from an emergency c section, I have the worlds most nutty 2 year old. Every evening I count the seconds until bedtime….And then Sonny wakes up and kindly reminds me that you don’t Really get a bedtime with a newborn.  Oh the joys 🙂

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Week 18

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This week I’m suffering. Tiredness is a killer, I have zero patience with anyone, especially not with my o.h and I’m slowly dreading the weeks to come..
I justchecked get comfy? I don’t ever remenber it being this bad first time round, I mean, not this early anyway. I’m sleeping with a body pillow, which iv had since I was pregnant with Woody and has literally been my desert island item ever since, but that’s not even cutting it either..
I’m also getting.g worried about how laid back and unprepared we are this time. With Woody, we kinda went a bit overboard  with the buying and stocking up, but I also had a full time wage then soi could go out and splurge.. But this time, being a sahm I’m beginning to wonder how on earth we ate going to manage this time. 
O.h keeps telling me we’re fine, and not to worry, which is a stupid thing to say to a pregnant women.

Woodys been ever so kind this week. I think he knows I’m running on empty when it comes to energy, so he’s been fab and quite enjoyed a few days of staying in with films or just the playing in the garden.

Hv  is calling Monday to do a health and safety check on our house so tomorrow is going to be spent scrubbing and dusting every corner, so not for her to judge..I know she probably won’t, but cone on..I’m using it as an excuse to give the house a proper once over. It won’t last long, there will soon be raisens and banana squashed into the carpet and dirty little socks in every corner but at least for one day we can have a tidy house.
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Week 17

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So, today is WEEK 17 of my third pregnancy!!! Kinda kept everything a secret this time round, after last time I feel I need to just savour every moment I have with my baby, whether it be a few weeks or term.
But I have officially made it to week 17 and boy do I know it…I’m achey…. Grumpy….tired….all these things I’m sure I felt when I was pregnant with Woody but have definitely forgotten..

So I thought I’d log my pregnancy from here on out, starting now in week 17. Baby due 5 th of Feb 2015 ( feels like years away)
I already know that it’s a boy, had a private very nervous scan at 16 weeks just to check everything was ok, and sure enough he has all the dangley bits!!

I’m wearing maternity clothes already  and although I don’t feel I look very pregnant as my bump is very low, none of my old t shirts or jeans fit, so I’m getting fat and fast!

Woodys 18 months, and I’m pretty sure is sprouting horns…he is very tiring and gas started not sleeping properly which obviously helps me feel great…not. Oh well, I must enjoy him before he grows too big and I regret not savouring these naughty moments.

I’m thinking names…I think it was round about bow when I was pregnant With Woods that I came up with his name. And it stuck. I had a few in my head, but  his always stuck out. dela hated it and it took me probably until my due date to convince him to name him this, so as you can imagine I have my work cut out again this time. He isn’t very helpful and doesn’t seem keen on throwing ideas of names at me, so it’s up to me to find the winning one and then convince him to name our second son this.
So here is my shortlist.
ROCKY
REX
HENDRIX
BUSTER
And yes, I know what your thinking.. They ARE pretty way out, but we are that kind of people and everyone said that about WOODY when I first mentioned that I’d like to name him that, and now look, everyone loves it and it suits him down to the bones. 
Desisions Desisions…

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away for a while..

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So iv not posted for some months now, and thought that now would be a good time to make up for it and start again. 

Alot has changed, well no, nothings changed, but alot has happened since last year. My boy had his first birthday, which was incredibly exciting for me experiencing the joys of preparing a children’s party for the first time ever! Then there was my secret, which I held onto for so long. And then the whole world stopped. In march, 2014 I experienced the worst time of my life ever. We lost our unborn baby. 

 

I have spent the past few months since it happened seeking advice and comfort on how to cope, or deal or move on from such  horrible thing. But I have now come to the conclusion that I won’t move on, and I won’t ever cope. But I am now learning to remenber without so much sadness. 

What makes it harder is that I don’t have anyone really I can talk to about it. My partner, my rock, for the first time ever had built up walls so high surrounding the subject that whenever I bring it up I get shot down quickly. I respect this and understand that this is his way of coping with everything, who’s holding my safety net? This is something that I will probably never find. But I will carry on. For Woodys sake. 

 

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Woodys first night in his own room

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Last night we decided to let Woody sleep in his own room. We have had him sleep in a cot in our room for so long as it was easier, as his room is the other side of the house as seen as though hes been so reliant on his dummy so far that getting up and putting it back in his mouth the other side of our room was so much easier than walking through the house. 

At approximately 7.30 pm Woody went to bed, (in his own room) fine, fast asleep in seconds. 
Going to bed for us was so  strange. No sneaking in, no whispering, could even put the lamp on and read for half hour. Amazing. 
A part of me ached and missed him, even though he was only meters away from us, but I wished I could hear him snoring. The baby monitor was silent, until 1am. Woody woke up, and wasnt at all happy.
Fortunately his dad was up and layed him back down back to sleep, but this happened 4 times before his dad came back in, Woody under one arm, his quilt and blanket under the other. Woody then ended up back in our room, and slept through the night. 
I secretly smiled 🙂 

We will persevere, his daytime naps are going to be in his own room, and we will try him in his room every night until he comes to terms with being on his own. Maybe he’s missing hearing his dads heavy breathing and snoring?? Who knows, but if I had it my way hed be sleeping with me forever:) Its the only thing I really have left to confirm he needs me, and is still a baby, hes too little for a big boy cot 😦

Aside
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I have let go!! Tonight, on a whim, we decided to let Woody stay at my mothers for the night. We have been out for an italian and a bottle of wine, and left the monster in the good old hands of nanny.

This is only the third time Woods has stayed anywhere but with us since he was born, and I still feel like this is three times too many.
But, I dont feel guilty…im fact this is the first time I dont feel selfish for leaving him there.
We have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves tonight, and unlike the other times Iv left him I havent been texting or ringing to see how he is every ten minutes. 
Its strange, very quiet, but much of a relief. I feel myself again, and feel that tomorrow when I pick him up will be qa fresh start as I have now been able to let go of my stresses and ‘moodiness’ for the time being.

Took a pregnancy test again today. Firstly it said negative with the faintest positive line barely showing, so i bought a digital one which confirmed that I am not pregnant. Although a slight weight has been lifted, I am somewhat disappointed. Having geared myself up for the excitement, shock and total life changing event of having another baby, my heart sunk slightly when the results showed up.
Never mind. I am determined now to be more careful, and enjoy Woody more, savoir every day and make mental notes of how much hes changing every day as it all happens to quickly 

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christmas

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So Christmas is over with for another year. This year was so very different from any other year, as this year it was all about Woody.
To be fair, he had no idea what was going on. He enjoyed opening the first one or two presents but then after 500+ I can see how it all got a bit too boring 
Our house now looks like a mixture of a toy shop, and a rubbish tip as we have tens of bin bags full of wrapping paper and cardboard boxes waiting for the rubbish to go out. 
I enjoyed myself, although not as much as I thought. I have always wanted Christmas to be chilled out and relaxed, and it never is. Someone somewhere always manages to set a spanner in the works and this year it was the brother and sister in law-its not worth mentioning but lets just say, I think because I was waiting for something to go wrong and wind me up, this little incident sure did.

On another note, I took a pregnancy test again today. I took one last week also, as mother nature is rather late (2 weeks in fact) but again I tested a negative result. So Im off to the doctors so see what is going on. 
I wont talk much about this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ as Im not sure how to deal with it. Obviously another pregnancy has not been planned, and although I know my other half would be over the moon, and I of course would too, I cant help thinking its selfish of me when Im still coming to terms with Woody. 

Woodys in his own room for the first time tonight. He has slept with us because ‘it was easier’, or that was the excuse we used anyways. Im finding it rather strange to be honest, lost almost without him. I miss his smell. And I finally know what parents mean when they say ‘you hear every breath’. This baby monitor is right next to me and I really don’t think Im going to be getting some sleep tonight listening to his breaths. 

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A little bit for me…

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Today I had a day out with my father and brother, (and Woody) Christmas shopping for a present for my mum, which my dad leaves until last minute EVERY year. Whilst window shopping and helping dad chose the ‘perfect’ gift as he has NO IDEA, absolutely nothing caught my eye. Now I know I wasn’t shopping for ME, but come on I am female, and we ALWAYS need or want something..right?
But then it dawned on me, well, actually it was my father that pointed it out, that since having Woody, nothing is about me anymore. 
Although it seems very selfish to complain about this, surely I deserve something or sometime to be me, and not Woody’s mum? No. The answers no. And I know this because at the end of our shopping trip, dad handed me an envelope containing £50, and said ‘spend it on something for YOU’. Now, obviously I tried to give it back, as in no way do I think I ‘deserve’ this, or feel I need to ‘treat’ myself for doing so well in the past 10 months of being a mum, but he insisted and gave me strict instructions not to spend it on anyone else but me, not to use it for petrol or bills, food or car parks etc, but to spend it solely on treating myself. 

So, Im sat here, with £50 just for me. 

When I think of what I could spend this on…shoes??? maybe a new bag??? a new dress??? all I can think of straight after is Woods. New shoes for Woods, fancy jeans for Woods, toys for Woods…

So this has just made me smile, and put my mind at ease that Im not all that bad of a person, and I am in no way selfish. I do put Woody first. He does come top of my priority’s despite me doubting myself daily. 
I am determined to treat myself. Not with mumsy clothes, or practical shoes, or even a new change bag- something for me, that I like and dont necessarily need but has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. 

So this £50 will sit in my purse until this one treat shows itself. And until then, I will carry on putting myself second to my baby, and making sure he looks damn cooler than any other 10 month old around, before I make sure Im wearing matching shoes 🙂